So Pretty

RIP for those that have left us ... RIP for those that are still among us ....

I wrote this "letter" per se for a friend who suffered the lost of a loved one and is on the journey of life without the friendship, love, comfort and passion that this soul brought into their life ... RIP Stacey .. your memory lives strong through your memories and the love of your loved ones.

 

I never met you,

I never saw your sweet smile,

I never felt the warmth of your heart,

sadly my ears never enjoyed the music of your laughter,

but to you today, I offer a letter of thanks. 

 

You were taken from this world too soon …

hearts that knew you, ache for you …

bodies that were touched by you, long for your warm embrace. 

 

It’s because of the love you offered to someone

I’m blessed to have met your memory.

I’m lucky to enjoy the smile that crosses her face every time your name escapes her lips. 

I’m fortunate enough to read the beautiful words that meet together on a page when she describes your time together.   

It is because of those second hand memories I offer this letter of thanks …

 

I thank you for opening her heart to amazing depths of love ..

I thank you for opening her body to amazing depths of passion ..

I thank you for challenging her mind to explore all depths of her thoughts …

I thank you for helping sculpt her into the person she is today.

 

It’s with these thanks I also ask your memory & spirit to help her …

Help her embrace your new ability to watch over her, protect her and guide her. 

Help her find comfort in your memories. 

Help her use what you would want for her as a guidelines to not settle in life. 

I ask that you release her to find the love she once had with you, in someone else. 

I know she can find the strength she needs so much right now through you …

…through your permission & expectation to live her life to the fullest.

I ask you to help me, help her. 

 

Above everything else … I thank you … for her.

 

 

Hurt Feelings

Sometimes my feelings get hurt .. sometimes it's because of something I've done to myself .. sometimes it's because it's what I have done to someone else and lastly sometimes it's because of what someone does to me.  It's the last one I want to address for just a second.

The worst part of hurt feelings is when the person who hurt my feelings hasn't really "done" anything to me.  Maybe it's what they didn't say .. maybe it's what they didn't do ... maybe it's decisions they made based on their own world that somehow effected (or affect - I will be 100 years old and never get that one right) my feelings.  It's those moments where I realize that maybe I'm not as important to someone or something as that person is to me.  Is it that the person's fault?  Is it their fault I go out of my way for them and it seems they don't or wouldn't in return?  ORRR is it that because I am the one closest them, I am supposed to just understand and not be the person with the hurt feelings and "just know better". If that last part is the case .. when do we stop hurting those close to us and realize they are the important ones???

Grrr ... I'm just sitting in a situation where talking to the person wont change how I already feel and will only result in more hurt feelings (probably me hurting them cause I am sure this will come to as shock to most of you but I TEND to be a bit bitchy when upet, LMAO).  The outcome will be what it will be and this is where I'm supposed to just smile and nod ... Great, I am freakin SUPER at doing that.

 

 

Where is the warm fuzzy feeling??

You hear all the time that parenting is a joy, don't take it for granted, appreciate the moments etc. to which I try really hard to enjoy all the kisses (even though they are a stall tactic for nap/bed), story books that I have read now for the 50th time and every eye roll that I'm given .. wait, what??  I'm supposed to APPRECIATE the EYE ROLLS??

It's easy less hard for me to sit back and "parent" my younger children.  I mean it's (for the most part) common sense that one child should not bite another or that you should teach the older sibling to be kind to the younger sibling etc. and while no fool proof "manual" is out there on potty training, the objective is pretty much a given and you just have to try different routes till you complete the task.  Simple, sorta - lol.   

My tumor trouble starts when it comes to the "teen" that lives under my roof.  I used to have a daughter that lived in the room where this "teen" lives .. but she has appearently vacated the premises and is on vacation in Hawaii & left the "teen" to substitute for her because ... MY daughter wouldn't have an attitude that Sunday is family day and that it shouldn't be spent with people other than, well, family.  MY daughter wouldn't look at me like I am the meanest person alive because I say no to "all nighters".  Nope, MY daughter would FOR SURE NOT look at me as though I asked her to jump off a cliff when I remind her that an hour of "excercise" a day isn't considered walking to wal-greens to buy an energy drink.  And under no circumstance would MY daughter be miffed (oh yes, that is a word - I learned it from this "teen" I house) that she has to wear pants that fit (not sweats that hang off her a**) to school at least 3 times a week.

I can understand why parents in this day in age of "teens" have to be strict, mean, hard butts or you could lose all control FAST.  This summer while giving my daughter some freedom to grow up a bit I can see just how quickly these 16 year olds think they have the right, permission and ability to think, act & talk like they are 23.  I was acused a lot last year of "babying" her .. making her "pay" for decisions I did or made at her age but I realize now (after losing my daughter to her "teen" self) that there is no middle ground in this day and age.  Phones, Internet, FB etc. are the tip of the iceberg on all that these "kids" now get to deal with along with the "joys" of high school.  I cannot imagine dealing with high-school & FB.  Hell I can't handle "FB drama" at 28 (lol) no less at 16. 

One struggle we face is how people talk TO HER on HER FB page.  I require all people that cuss on her page to be removed, to which she gets annoyed.  Her point, she isn't saying it and can't control what they say or how they talk.  But really, I don't want to see FU** OFF on my page no less when I got to my daughters page!  And speaking of cussing, am I the only parent of a teenager out there that doesn't "allow it cause eventually they will cuss anyway" .... are you kidding me ... I am 29 28 and I still hesitate to cuss in front of my parents and I damn sure don't do it in front of my grand-parents or any other adult that might have the nerve to "tell on me" - lol.  I know kids act one way at school when no one is looking but honestly?  My daughter seriously must be teased for her "strict" mom cause I don't give a poop - and if you ever see or hear her cuss, knock her out & make her swallow soap!

Needless to say, we are three weeks out from the start of school and we had the "reality check" conversation last night.  I explain that she has sat on her a** long enough.  I gave her all summer to make the "right" choices for her mind, body & soul to which she didn't so now she is back under my thumb.  In the big picture, you know & I know I'm doing the right thing but she looks at me in horror, anger and sadness.  I just "ruined" the rest of summer ...

So I say, where is the warm fuzzy feeling when parenting a "teen"?  I want the warm & fuzzies darn it!!!

just layin some stuff out there ..

I have been holding back for awhile simply cause I don't want people to get bothered by what I say .. however, I have been keeping my mouth shut A LOT in "real life"too and I fear an explosure may occure if Idon't let some of it out ... so I feel that it would be a better forum to release  if it's just my 12 readers that see this verses a vocal break down that I can't "delete" ... LOL.

First of all ... if your husband cheats on you - it's your husband to blame.  Not the "other woman" ... sure she has responsibility in the siuatiuon and obviosley shouldn't have gone down that road with a man that wasn't hers but ladies its yours HUSBAND who said I DO.  He's the one who vowed to not stray away from you and to love you for better or worse.  You offer your husband forgiveness and you spend so much time HATING "the other woman".  GET OVER IT and hate the right person.  Hate your husband for cheating .. hate yourself for making him feel like he had to or whatever the case may be but for crying out loud start holding the one who promised not to cheat accountable ... not the single woman WHO you never even let speak her side.  Ever think that he lied and said he wasn't married ... that it wasn't till AFTER the affair she found out??  Or is it too freakin hard to beleive that HE (the one who cheated) would lie to another woman.  I mean if he would lie to you why would he have any issue lying to another woman??  Sheesh.  Get a grip and get the hell over yourself.

Oh ... and if your upset over the fact that your spouse talks to people of the other gender .. yet you yourself have multiple DAILY conversations with people of the opposite sex you have no place to stand so sit down, shut up and worry about yourself.  I don't care if they are Ex's that they are talking to ... you can't ask someone to do something IF you aren't willing to do the same in return.  Period.

This leads me to .. ex's are ex's for a reason.  Don't let history repeat itself and don't come crying to me when you do.  I'm tired of listening.  They don't "need" you when they call .. they "need" to feel important because their current flavor has upset them in some way form or fashion.  It's not your problem anymore.

Next ... if your not extremley happy before you decide to have a baby with your significant other ... guess what???  A baby aint going to fix it.  Pull your heads out and realize that your want for a baby shouldn't be what drives major decisions.  You just think your boyfriend/siginifcant other/etc. is a pain in the ass to deal with ... wait till they are your baby parent and ex and you HAVE to put up with them.  No divorce decree will ever shed them from your life.  Blended families ... step parenting ... it aint easy on anyone.  If your in a relationship that's going to have a blended family .. I beg of you, to think long and hard before you take the hardest leap you'll ever take.  If your considering having a baby cause your clocks ticking and your so/so with where your at ... STOP.  Don't do things for the wrong reasons .. especially when it includes babies.

I have never claimed to know it all .. okay well I have but not in all seriousness (lol) ... but why doesn't anyone ever listen to me, my adivce or my opinion.  Why am I never taken seriously?  I was married & divorced.  I know how hard leaving the man of your dreams is .. maybe our life together wasn't as long as your lifetime with your spouse but our dreams were just as big, our hopes just as high, our faith that love would get us through just as strong .. etc.  It hurts, I know about that ... yet when someone is getting seperated, they chose to listen to people that have never walked the divorce route.  They wanna turn to avenues that are feeding them false hope, when what I offer is real.  Real sucks, it's not as pretty nor does it have a happy ending but at least I wont paint an inaccurate picture.  They say I'm so confident I couldn't know how it feels to be "alone" ... these people (thankfully) didn't see my darkest days, but that's because I handled them, in private where they should be handled.  I could show them how you do that but nooooooooo you wanna listen to people who have their heads up thier ass.

My mom always taught me to be true to what I feel & beleive ... be honest & forward.  The years have taught me that she is right; however, I have had to learn (mostly the hard way) that there are time and places for opinions and sometimes we should just keep things to ourselves.  It's been a goal I've been working on for 2 years now .. keeping things to myself .. "picking my battles" as my husband likes to tell me .. but sometimes I just wanna scream and these are some of the latest subjects I've kept my mouth shut on.  So I appreciate your letting me vent.  I feel so much better now. 

Rum & Coke anyone??? 

Five Minute Wonder ... GO!

My friend posted her Five Minute Wonder so I thought I'd give it a whirl except I'm a day late cause it's supposed to be done on Friday ... check out the rules and join in the fun.!! 

START

I often sit at my computer, taping on the keys typing out a thought .. a question .. an idea.  So very little do I "publish".  Today's wonder is how do Authors, Bloggers etc. get so bold and brave as to lay it all out there.  I mean, I have lots to say .. lots to ask ... lots to share .. but the fact of the matter is, I always question what I write based on who will/might read.

I wonder how I can get past the .. worries?? I guess that is the right word ... of who will read what I post and just stat typing AND POSTING what I think.  I pay for this blog dam it, I should get to say what I want.  I love writing, I love the sound of the keys as I type out a thought.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to post all things I actually write.

I wonder how bloggers get and maintain a following .. I would love nothing more than to have people looking forward to reading what I write.

I also wonder how just typing these few simple random thoughts can help clear ones mind so completly.  I wonder how just merely typing out the words in my head for all 12 of my viewers to read suddendly makes me feel better. 

STOP

So much to say, so little time ...

My blog has been calling my name for weeks now, just can't seem to find the uninterrupted time to think long enough to type out a blog!  Then when I do get some time, I have so much I wanna write about I get struck with writer's block because I can't decide where to start.  So maybe a random post is in order??

Random thought #1

I have found that 2011 has brought many "forks in the road" for me.  I think it's been 10 years since I have had to re-evaluate my life, choices and future so much.  The funny part about that is, I have in the last 30 days, come to the same conclusion I did 10 years ago: "F it".  A person can have dreams or goals, we can take the best step we can each day to make a choice that would put us closer to said dream or goal but in the end ... life is what it is.  No amount of fretting, planning or scheduling can guarantee the obtainment of those dreams & goals.  Unexpected things happen that move us back, force a detour or change our hearts forever (sometimes for the better, sometimes not) therefore making all the previous fretting, planning & scheduling a bit worthless.  I'm by no means saying we shouldn't have dreams or goals; however, I am saying that I'm determined to live in the here & now and less in the future (which obviously is never a given).  We have to focus on our immediate day to day lives and know that so long as our Heavenly Father is in our hearts & we look to Him for direction when our future becomes our present we will be exactly where He wants us to be AND we will have enjoyed the journey better because we didn't "over-think" the path to get there/here.

Random thought #2

What's the purpose of underwear?  I mean really ... I think that maybe Britney was onto something because if my entire family stopped wearing underwear the amount of my laundry would decrease by a fabulous amount.  Just sayin, we'd use less water, detergent etc.  Think about it ... I have a point.

Random thought #3

The smartphone was created so we could all be in touch more, which seems to work fabulously for most people but I tell you what, I have never felt less contected since I got the blasted thing.  I don't read my friends blogs, I don't write my blogs cause "I'd have to boot up the laptop" and I don't shop near as much because it's not as easy ... you know the credit card people are probably worried sick about me cause I have seemed to abandoned the internet shopping world.   I tried to order flowers for my gf the other day and ended up having to CALL to order cause it was too much of a pain to do it on my phone ... can you believe it??  I had to dial a number and TALK to a human being.  What is the world coming too.  LOL!

Final Random thought for the night a/k/a #4

I was thinking that now that it's June, I should get around to sending out a Christmas Card w/ the family photo and newsletter.  LMAO.

 

Good-night all ... till the marrow!

 

 

Too Busy

I find myself pondering the last few days why am I so busy?  How do I not have "time" to do everything I want ... constructive & play?

I have a small handful of people that mean lots and lots to me but it somehow takes an act of the man upstairs for me to have "time" to see them.  Does that mean my priorites are off?  My day consists of the roughly the same things everyday.  And somehow by the time I'm done with Wife & Mommy duties, maybe even get a little Avon duties accomplished the day is gone.

Am I the only stay at home mom that struggles with this?  I mean I wake up at 5:30 in the morning 5 days a week .. shower, get ready and start getting kids up by 6:30.  Go to the bus ... work out ... shower again (don't ask why I take a shower BEFORE working out) .. then I get a load of laundry done somewhere in there .. pick-up the house a little then it's time to round up kids.  Feed kids lunch .. put them down for naps.  Okay I'll admit, I do take a nap once the kids are quiet.  Then I get up and work on Avon .. or emails whatever then it's time to start dinner.  Serve dinner by 6:00 ... clean up, baths by 7:30 and kids in bed by 8:30.

Please someone ... tell me what to cut out so I can be less busy.  What am I doing wrong?  How does everyone else manage it??  I feel like I'm always letting someone down because I say I wanna see them, yet can't find the time.

 

 

People Never Change

I used to be a true believer that people can and DO change; but as I sit here tonight in the quiet dark house, I realize that I have been sadly kidding myself for years.

Oh people give it their best shot ... even fool the people close to them, hell even fool themselves but at the end of the day, when the pressure is on.  How many have ACTUALLY changed.  Very few.

So we meet again ...

I'm standing inside you ... the warmth that i used to get from you is now gone.  The powerful sensation you used to bring by just being in your presence is now more like a dull roaring sense of loneliness and failure.

The smell of your halls, the sounds that echo off your walls takes me back to the days when I didn't know failure.  I didn't know regret.  I didn't know heartache; what it felt like to have a broken heart nor what it felt like to break a heart.  I didn't know the pain of losing a friend to an untimely death or what low places misery can find company in.  No, the last time I was inside of you I was invincible.  Nothing could bring me down.  No mountain too high .. no river too deep.  You were my springboard to life and boy was I ready to jump!!

Entering you now years later as my child crosses the starting line to the next four years of her life leaves me no choice but to reflect back to our relationship which has left me cold.  Entering your door again should be blissful, a blessing, a joy but sadly I find none of that.  I find bitterness, sadness and that feeling you get right before you throw-up.  I pray you are kinder to my daughter than you were to me.  I pray that you keep her free from the heartaches that I endured while inside you.  I pray that you are gentle and guide her to the right group of friends who treat her right and in turn she treats right.  I pray you let her belong to a group but to not blend so much she loses herself into what everyone thinks she should be.  I pray you let her have my strength and courage yet you give a part of you that will bring her only happy memories of your relationship together.

Yes .. you bring lots of happy memories to most of those that come back to you years later .. but I, dear High School, have no happy feelings to report rather I beg that you spare my child from the hard endeavors you and I had.  You and I had our hard times .. please let history not repeat itself.

(PS - please keep all cute senior ROTC boys far off her path, thank you)

Blank

This is the emotion I feel .. Blank.

How can I feel so blank yet my mind be whirling with so many thoughts?   One would think that would mean I was feeling anything BUT blank.  Express them here you say??  It would be of huge relief if I could sort through them all and organize them even enough to get them onto "paper" because then, maybe, I could start to make sense of it all.  I am continually amazed at how many directions a mind can be pulled and how many different ways a heart can love and break all at the same time. 

God truly must have created us; mind, body, and soul.  There is no other explanation as to how our Brain, Hearts and Body can all be feeling different emotions simultaneously, yet still working all together to "function normally".  It's as a result of His hand that we are so complex, yet simple.  So strong, yet can crumble in an instant.  So the obvious answer would be to turn to Him to ask for comfort and guidance right?  Why is this so hard for me?  Cause I know what the answer is ... and I don't wanna hear it.  I don't wanna do what's right .. and I don't wanna walk away from my wants .. I don't want to ask the question because I know I wont like the answer. 

So until then ... I chose Blank.